i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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