We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
