it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
