Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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