I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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