is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
