we're chasing vodka with high fives
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
