Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
