Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
