Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
