i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
