Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
