I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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