I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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