I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
