I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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