after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And then my night got REAL pukey
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
