Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
