So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
