I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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