Capitaan dildo arrescate!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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