I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
