well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
