I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
