Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
