Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
