Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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