I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize