if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We need to rekindle our bromance
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
