You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize