My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
