you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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