the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
