I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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