i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
