I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
