and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
