am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
