the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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