im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The air was thick with penises
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize