alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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