i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
