and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
