Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
