i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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