My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize