I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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