This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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