can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
