Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
