Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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