Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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