First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dick very happy bro
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize