I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
