May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
