If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
