I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
