You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
