we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
