I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish you could order shots online.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
