just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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