just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
