wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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