There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
