Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
