I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
