I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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