i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
