I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
